warning: mention of life ending
I woke up this morning with a freshly
discovered love for being alive.
Particular thoughts from throughout the day
surely influenced my dreams last night.
I’ve not felt like myself lately.
There’s a cloud surrounding and suffocating
my happiness and perspective. Everything feels distant.
I’m detached from my own existence,
my own aspirations and interests.
Last night I dreamt of killing myself.
Although I’m an optimist, we all face our struggles.
I acknowledge that life is beautiful and endlessly inspiring,
but that’s not always easily recognizable.
When emotions are shut off, only the motions persist.
Even daily routines become chores requiring measurable determination.
I’m not suicidal, never have been.
But in last night’s dream I distinctly chose to end my life.
What could have caused this?
The alcohol I drank with dinner? The weed I smoked right before bed?
I went to sleep after spending an hour hanging out with my roommate.
We laughed for most of that hour before calling it a night.
Or could it be the emptiness?
An ever-consuming void that feeds on the connection
between observation and appreciation.
Someone spoke to me in my dream.
A conversation with who may have been a stranger
but felt as familiar as myself at this point.
We discussed how a certain pill works.
Take one and in two hours you’ll be dead.
Conveniently, this kindhearted individual
had one of these very pills at their disposal,
and happily offered me one.
It was explained that once the pill is
swallowed, there is no turning back.
You will die in two hours.
Surprising even myself, I went for it.
Why not take this mysterious pill offered
by a stranger to end everything I’ve ever known?
Why not turn the lights off and enter the forever-nothing?
Maybe I already felt disconnected enough that this option
didn’t seem too far from what I was already living.
I felt fine after deciding to die.
In 120 minutes, it would no longer be my problem.
Rather than submissively waiting for the darkness,
I began thinking about the ramifications.
There would be no time to not feel anything
because there would be nothing to feel.
I immediately recognized the difference between
my current apathy and the inability to perceive anything.
Soon nothing would be everything. There would be no interactions.
And it would remain that way for my personal eternity.
My only experience with the matter
came before my first breath,
but I’m sure it’s similar.
I continued to feel fine for the first
45 minutes following my life-ending decision.
The only difference was a growing desire for life.
There was about to be so much that I would miss about existing.
The self-inflicted impending doom was growing rapidly;
along with associated dread and regret,
appreciation returned.
As the 60-minute mark neared,
my understanding did too;
a new sensation was being felt.
I was growing weaker.
After 75 minutes, I began to lose mobility.
Shortly after that, my tongue was losing functionality.
With 30 minutes remaining in my life, my mind was failing.
Breathing was becoming an unimaginable task.
Entering my final minutes,
I was left with only an attempt at reflection.
And the realization that life is worth enjoying.
The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifelife (that’s 9-8-8) can be reached via call, text, or online message, in Canada and the US. Or, see the List of Suicide Crisis Lines for more worldwide resources. There are good people that want to help.
Note from the author:
This rattled my core. It’s the scariest dream I’ve ever had. Hands down.
Furthermore, it was realistic. My eyes shot open, thinking that I may have just died. Instead, my heart was racing and I glanced around the room in a daze, bouncing between thoughts of I’m alive and Holy shit.
As I got out of bed that morning, it felt like I was starting a new life. Everything had meaning. There were reasons to appreciate every sight and interaction. And although this dream scared the shit out of me, I appreciated it too, and found the message to be overwhelmingly positive.
I had goosebumps when I told my roommate what happened, and again telling another friend. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. That evening, my friend and I went to our favorite local bar, where I wrote this piece.
This marked the start of a new chapter in my life. And it’s filled with beautiful things to appreciate.